Alone

Today I was talking to my Mom and asked her when Dad was going to let me borrow her (he actually told me she could come see me) and she said that she couldn't... that she can't leave Dad alone.  She then passed the phone to Dad who proposed to me that instead of having her come to me, we could all go on a cruise... the whole fam.

I lost it then... first off... I can't afford to take my family on a cruise.  To go on a cruise I'd have to pay for plane tickets to FL, dog sitter, airport parking plus the cruise.  Seeing as I'm paying just about 2,000 next semester for grad school, it's NOT happening.  My second thought to that is... how can you be well enough to travel on a cruise but not to come see your daughter?  I started crying.... my Dad passed the phone off to my Mom.  He can never take me crying.

I told my Mom that I am alone.  I have a huge family and I feel completely ALONE.  Nobody has seen my house--- nobody seeks me out.  If I want to see anyone I always have to be the one that makes the effort.  Nobody makes the effort to see me.  I told her I am hurt and can't keep doing this.  She told me she loves me and that she understands and asked me to calm down and that we'd talk later.

My Dad called later to ask for "forgiveness" from me.  He explained what I already knew... that it's hard for him to travel... that Mom has to be around because of his health problems.  I know.  I know all of this yet I still am hurt and I still feel alone.  I guess I'm the youngest so I get the joys of having "older" parents.  I never imagined that my parents would be so far away from me.  I am the only one that calls every day to check on them and the only one who really cares... and I'm the one that is on the outside.

I'm glad they know how I feel but it doesn't change anything.  I understand why they can't come visit me but it doesn't make it right.

I'm so thankful that I have C and T and that they mostly fill the void but there is nothing that can patch up the piece of my heart that belongs to my parents.